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Recently I listened to an interview on the radio where the person being interviewed was pissing and moaning about how people in Seattle are so absorbed with their phones that they are utterly clueless when walking around.

According to him this issue is particularly egregious around the Amazon offices where everyone is a 20 something and IS utterly absorbed with their phones.

Gasp!

The main point made was that people are walking too slow and bumping into this man to the point that he is trying to start a campaign to get people to stop inconveniencing him.

As I listened to this I am like, oh crap, another loony left wing ball sack bitching about minor crap that goes on in the city. I was like, oh PLEEEZE, knock it off.

My next thought was oh, crap, I hope the friggin’ Mayor isn’t listening. Terror ran in my veins as I imagined the Mayor creating a task force, then laws, and then various fines and tortures for the offenders.

My concern was not without foundation.

The current Mayor has some interesting ideas about Seattle’s priorities such as trying to ban single family homes, promoting that lenders need to offer Sharia compliant mortgages, or approving multi story apartment house with little no parking. This list neglects things like pocket parks that eliminate parking spaces (we call them wino parks) or allowing homeless people to set up defacto communities throughout the city without challenge.

I quickly decided this whole idea about enacting laws that require people to not be general aholes was pretty dumb and promptly forgot about the whole interview as I am wonderfully able to do.

Well, until today…

My apartment building is on a major Seattle road, as in this road leads directly to the freeway which means it is quite busy all the time. The tricky part is the parking garage is in the basement and because the building is 100 years old there is zero room to turn around in it.

This means one has to back out of the garage, toot the horn a few times to warn all the pedestrians that mayhem is about the emerge for the darkest place on the block. Next I slowly inch out, stopping to look both ways until my car is fully blocking the sidewalk where I often wait a minute or two for the light change so I can back on the road and be on my way.

For the most part the pedestrians play along with me and patiently wait for me to leave. Unfortunately, a fair number tempt fate and scoot behind me while I am looking the other way. Frankly it is a miracle I have run over someone no matter how careful I am.

This morning was typical with the bonus that I didn’t have some jackass cutting behind me. In fact all I saw what some hipster (My Motto: “Death to Hipsters” – I suggest that you do an internet to find where I discovered this motto) about a half a block away walking towards me. Of course he was totally absorbed with his phone.

Whatever I thought since I was fully blocking the sidewalk. I didn’t give him a second thought and focused on the cars zipping past.

The short version of what happened next is that the hipster dude (who dresses these idiots? – a blue and white check shirt, orange shorts with cuffs, and yellow sneakers) assaulted my car. OK, that is a bit of an exaggeration.

What really happened is this dumb ass was so absorbed with his iPhone (yes, that is the truth) that he failed to notice my bright white car at a dead stop in the middle of the sidewalk.

Yes, this human cockatoo walked right into my front passenger door. Sigh.

To say he look surprised is putting it mild. His look was more along the lines of amazement that a one year old has when an adult makes something disappear and then MAGICALLY REAPPEAR.

Except in this case I never disappeared.

His next reaction was to go all WTF with his arms flapping up and down. I imagined him thinking I was alien in a UFO that had materialized from hyperspace right in front him with sole purpose of pissing him off. Friggin’ dogs have more sense that this fashion disaster.

His mouth then took off with his jaw going up and down at me. The good news is I had Stevie Ray Vaughan blasting at 11 on the stereo so I couldn’t hear him. For you clever readers: Yes, he should have heard SRV blasting – I am anything but subtle.

I, having a generous spirit, shrugged my shoulders, encouraged him to have a miserable life (OK, OK, I flipped him off), and backed out onto the street.

My only regrets were he didn’t drop his phone and that I didn’t have a city official to call so I could have this idiot hauled off to a re-education camp where he would be taught to look up, love bikes and apartments, hate cars and single family homes and to continue dressing like a bird.

I am sure such things are being discussed at the highest levels of city government. After all they did try to ban single family homes, allowed for apartment buildings to be built with minimal parking spaces, and are encouraging Sharia compliant mortgages.

Copyright 2015 – Katherine Johnson – All Rights Reserved

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