By Katherine Johnson
Today’s tale is about Some Kid’s High School Graduation Gift aka a Backlund Model 100 Guitar aka Guitar Porn.
What follows are the various events that led up to him getting this gift. Why am I sharing this? Because it is funny and I am a jerk.
Some Kid has wanted one of these for several years now but they were priced completely beyond what he or I could afford. Basically, I told Some Kid, if you want it, buy it yourself.
Then today, instead of watching car chase videos on YouTube with my morning coffee I started watching guitar porn videos.
Coincidentally my Mom, Some Kid’s Grandma, sends me a text message about some auction that had a Fender Stratocaster that had been signed by all the members of the Eagles.
We went back and forth about putting in a bid for the guitar giving that to Some Kid as a graduation gift and then, in a moment of clarity, I recalled what THE DUDE said in the Big Lebowski about the Eagles.
Scene: Riding in a cab at night with “Peaceful Easy Feeling” playing on the radio…
TD: Jesus, man, can you change the channel?
CD: Fuck you man! You don’t like my fucking music, get your own fucking cab!
TD: I’ve had a really rough–
CD: I’ll pull over the side and kick your ass out!
TD: Man, come on I had a rough night, and I hate the fucking Eagles, man.
Cab Driver pulls over and tosses the Dude out of the cab
CD: Outta my fucking cab!
TD: Hey man!
CD: Out, get–
TD: Man man! Hey! Awwwwh Jesus.
The memory of this was like getting jolted back from the white light after being zapped with paddles EMTs use. I was like, this is a stupid off the shelf Stratocaster, most likely a Mexican one, and probably signed by some press agent. Plus, it involves the Eagles, so I bailed on the whole deal. That was too close.
However, these two things, got me wondering about what ole’ Jim Backlund had been creating in his guitar design studio (actually I think he only works during happy hour in a dark biker bar).
So, I cruised over to the Backlund Guitar web site and it was like, oh, they are so friggin’ beautiful and OMG, they now have a price a us mere worthless mortals can afford.
I immediately fell to my knees, wept, and for one brief moment I thought I saw the light, the white light. I can also attest that my butthole (1) puckered; this is what happens when you are heavily into guitar porn.
This lead to a text message exchange between Some Kid and I:
Me: Have you seen the Backlund Model 100 and Model 400 in red? OMG. (Links to both were included).
SK: I want a Backlund so badly They are some of the most elegant guitars.
Me: I love either of the two I sent in red. I don’t know which is hotter, the Model 100 or the Model 400.
SK: I’m super partial to the 100. I like the blue. Well maybe the red is the best.
Me: Which one makes your butthole pucker?
SK: They’re all gorgeous. They are surprisingly affordable for what they are. Probably because they are now partnered and no longer being independently distributed [ME: this little weasel has been sneaking around drooling over them behind my back for who knows how long] I’m leaning red I think now.
ME: Oh, are you actually going to graduate as in you passed all your classes and met all the requirements?
SK: Of course, I graduated. [ME: did I just hear a massive eye roll coming out of Seattle?]
ME: Just checking. I knew someone that didn’t and still went to the graduation ceremony.
SK: I can think of a good graduation present.
ME: Oh, like what? I thought we were talking about a stereo.
SK: A stereo is nice and all, but it’s not red. [Can’t you just hear him begging and pleading about now!]
A brief interlude occurred while I consulted with Grandma about this whole deal and we agreed to get it for Some Kid. Our conversation when something like this.
ME: Forget the Eagles – they are lame and the Dude hates them.
GM: Ok, Ok. I trust your judgement.
ME: Trust the Dude. Here is want he [Some Kid and not the Dude though I know the Dude would be all over this guitar too] would love: A Backlund guitar (I included a link to the web page).
I sent him a text message about Backlunds and I actually got a reply [If you have teenagers you will immediately understand my shock and amazement at getting reply, let alone an prompt one]…Model 100 in blue. No, Red, Maybe blue, no red, no definitely not blue. Red it is.
Do I know this kid or what?
GM: Now what?
Me: I will order it today. He may end up in the hospital. He has wanted this for two years and I refused to get it unless he had two 4.0 quarters back to back. He was not amused but he his school work improved immediately.
GM: I started writing him a graduation letter today. I’ll have to revise it.
ME: Done, it is ordered. He may wet himself.
GM: That’s ok. How long to get it? Any chance while you are here?
ME: it will take 3 to 5 business days to arrive. I may or may not get to see him drool over it.
GM: Thanks for helping me give Brett [ME: I keep telling her his real name is Some Kid but she never gets it right] a special gift.
ME: He will have this rest the of his life which will tragically end in a heart attack when it arrives.
GM: I hope not.
I then started texting Some Kid again:
Me: Your butthole can officially pucker. Model 100 in Red (2). It should arrive in 3 to 5 business days. If I get lucky I will even get to see you drool over it.
Your Grandma and I are getting this for you. When you get it, you need to go show it to her. In fact, you should just go see her anyhow and by all means, you should send her a quick thank you text message today.
Of course, because Some Kid is a teenager and we all know their brains are only partially functioning, I never heard another word from him. Then again, he may have had a heart attack and is now dead. I am pretty sure I won’t know what transpired until I go to the graduation on Monday.
This 3 to 5 day shipping thing got me thinking…hmm, may be if I ask the company nicely they might expedite this shipment for me and because I don’t know how to leave well enough alone I wrote the following email to see if anything could be done:
I just ordered a Model 100 in Red as a graduation gift for my son and I am having it shipped directly to him.
I live in Rio, Rancho, New Mexico and he lives in Redmond, WA. I am going to be in the Seattle area for his graduation from 6/19 until 6/26. By some miracle do you think it could arrive by say Friday, 6/23?
I would love to see the guitar. He has drooled over photos of these for several years now….oh, you, get it, I would love to see him actually drool over real one.
Any help would be appreciated.
I will update this post if I get a reply.
And with that I can now conclude this tale of teenage lust, guitar porn, and puckered buttholes.
I will let Some Kid decide which is the better gift, this story or the guitar. We may never find out, after all he has a partially functioning teenage brain.
(1) I was confused about the proper written usage for this word; should it be butthole or butt hole? There does seem to be a case for both forms. However, in the end, I went with then online consensus which is butthole. Now you know something you didn’t care about until right now.
(2) The following day I got to thinking how all the great players have a favorite guitar that he or she has named. Of course, this instantly got me spun up and I decided this Backlund deserves a name and because I have no sense I immediately sent a text message to Some Kid:
Me: Two very famous guitars: Eric Clapton’s “Blackie” and Steve Ray Vaughan’s “Number One”. You should call the new Backlund “Buttpucker”.
I am rather proud of my handiwork.
Copyright 2017 By Katherine Johnson – All Rights Reserved